Young Guns III: The Mortgage Crisis

Young Guns III: The Housing Crisis

Mortgage lenders foreclosing on people’s homes ain’t nothing new. But back when I was a kid named Billy and John Sidney McCain was a young buck that we called El Sid, folks didn’t count on the government to protect them against their banks.

No, we did it ourselves in the Wild West. After the Lincoln County Wars in the New Mexico territory I fled west to Scottsdale County, riding alongside Kiefer Sutherland, Lew Diamond Phillips (a Mexican from India) and Christian Slater. We rode for days through the dusty desert with nothing but the strains of John bon Jovi to entertain us.

We finally arrived in Scottsdale County and were taken on as hands at the El Sid Ranch. El Sid was, of course, my best pal John Sidney McCain. We go way back. El Sid raised barley, hops and wheat on his ranch and he had designs on bottling and distributing the most popular beer in the country.

But El Sid didn’t have any money. He was in debt up to his hops. He had to pay us in empty beer bottles that we took to the supermarket to get the five cent deposit. Of course, a nickel could get you a whore and shot of whiskey back in those days. That was even a saying we used to have. Lew Diamond Phillips (LDP) would say, “Hey Billy, El Sid says he’s gonna pay us in cash this week,” and I’d say, “That and five cents will get you a whore and a shot of whiskey, Lew.” Good times.

Well one day Kiefer Sutherland says to El Sid, “It doesn’t look like this here venture is gonna work out, John.” Then Christian Slater says, “Too bad there’s no way for the government to help you out. I mean, you’re a guy with good intentions and a dream, you just borrowed on unfavorable terms.”

But El Sid says it ain’t the government’s place to help unless he could prove that he was in good enough financial shape to get the loan in the first place.

I said, “El Sid, ain’t that the lender’s responsibility? How do you know the lender is worthy to even collect your debt?”

John thought about it for awhile. Then LDP said he was gonna head out for a six pack of Coors Light. The rage grew in El Sid’s face at the mention of his most hated beer rival. LDP tried to apologize but El Sid leveled him with a rock hard punch to his stout Indian jaw.

“Don’t say stout,” El Sid warned me. I musta been thinking out loud. Then he turned back to the topic at hand: “I’ll learn them bankers ta’ prove their worth,” he snarled.

That’s when the Scottsdale County Regulators were born. El Sid gave us guns and enough booze that our tempers would snap at the slightest provocation. Whenever a bank would send a collections agent over we’d shoot them, take their money, stuff them in a deposit envelope and send them back to the bank. Soon enough, the banks stopped calling. A few months later, the credit card offers started again and everything was all right.

I know because I was there and I’m Billy the Kid.

Vote McCain!