You Must Vote for John McCain

Well, I didn’t expect to be back, but I’m back. Who knew Internetting could be so much fun? I only got the darned thing hooked up so that I could find cheap herbal Cialis but now that I know I can come here and help you get to know John Sidney McCain the way I do, well… that’s just dandy.

I know a lot of you are Democrats around here. But let me let you in on a secret about John McCain. It’s okay with him if you vote for him, even if you are all members of the wrong party. I’m A Republican, so I have to vote for John. But you can too!

Maybe some of you are wondering, “Why should I vote against my own party?” Picking the wrong party but that doesn’t mean you have to pick the wrong president. Besides, you should be very angry at everyone else in your party right now. Let’s say you liked Chris Dodd because you think you need to keep your Internet perversions safe from government snooping even at the cost of thousands of American lives that will be lost every time a 9/11 happens, which will be all the time? Chris Dodd only lost because your fellow party members slapped you in the face by not voting for him. So you should show all of them by voting for John McCain.

Maybe you think John doesn’t want to win like that. But he does! He forgives you and he’ll accept your vote. So you should just feel free to take out your anger on all the idiots in your party who aren’t supporting your candidate right now. Give ‘em Hell by givin’ ‘em McCain! They will always do what you say after that.

I bet you’re wondering: “Does John McCain believe what I believe?” The answer is yes. John McCain can believe absolutely anything at any time. His mind is just that vast. In 1999 he said he was pro-life. But, he said he didn’t support the repeal of Roe v. Wade. But then 7 years later, he said he wanted a constitutional amendment banning abortion, which would make Roe v. Wade moot. Here’s the good news about that: if you’re pro-life, you can vote for him. But if you’re pro-fetus-murder you can just assume that he didn’t really mean what he said 2 years ago and vote for what he said 7 years ago. John McCain holds all of those opinions! And they say he’s senile. Let me tell you, a senile person doesn’t know what they think half the time. John thinks everything all of the time. That’s the opposite of senile.

John didn’t used to like ethanol subsidies, tax cuts for the rich, and Bob Jones University. But now he likes all of those things because he thinks you do! If you don’t like McCain’s opinion just give it a few years. If he needs to hold your opinion to get elected to something you can bet my best friend will have the courage to hold that opinion.

Now that I think about it, maybe you’re the problem here. I think you all need to clearly tell John McCain what you want him to believe. If you can articulate what you want from him in order to get your vote then he will become that in order to become president. Once there, he’ll be able to do whatever he wants for a change. But for now, your desires are important! Don’t miss this amazing opportunity!

So as I see it, you’re going to have two choices in the general election. Option 1: Vote for my pal John because you’re mad at the other people in your party. Option 2: Vote for my pal John because he will do anything to get your vote. He just wants it that bad.

Either way, you’ve made a smart choice.