I am John McCain's Best Friend

I’ve been John McCain’s best friend and neighbor for—well, it’s been a long time. Now I’ve heard through the grapevine (that they charge me $34 a month for, damn Mountain Bell, I’m on a fixed income!) that people here on this board don’t think highly of John McCain.

How can you not like John McCain? Who are you gonna have for president, a woman? What? Hold the phone a second. I’ll be right back.

Okay, somebody just told me who you’re gonna have for president if it’s not a woman. I don’t even want to go there.

Instead, I’m just going to tell you a story about John Sidney McCain helping a friend in need. Don’t laugh. Men used to be named Sidney back in the day. Now, where was I? Oh yes, it was 1987 and I had just had a big fight with the wife over whether she should wear shoulder pads (I thought they made her look mannish, only men should wear shoulder pads, like in the NFL). She kicked me out on my keister. John McCain saw me weeping on the porch. He came and put his arm around me and said “It’s okay old buddy, I’ll show you a good time.” Then he went into his house and called his pal Charles Keating.

Charles Keating owned a bank called the Lincoln Financial Savings and Loan. Chuck loved to party. So me and Chuck and Sidney all got on Keating’s plane and flew to Las Vegas, Nevada. We were having a great time except they kept giving me all this free whiskey because I’d been in the war. Everybody there must have been in the war. Anyway, I wound up down $10,000 at a roulette table before I knew it. And they weren’t going to give the money back, neither. Even though I was in the war.

So now I’m in worse shape than I was. But Sidney says to Chuck that he should help me out and Mr. Keating says he’ll loan me the 10 grand and I never have to repay it! I say, “Mr. Keating, how can your bank stay in business making loans that never get repaid?” Chuck just smiles and says, “Because the loans are guaranteed by the government!” And He and Sidney just laughed. I tell you, it was like the end of It’s a Wonderful Life except that I threw up on a hooker.

We all got back on Chuck’s plane and went back to Arizona. Chuck made me another loan so I could by the something nice for the missus. And that was that. We didn’t see much more of Chuck actually. Whenever I’d bring him up, Sidney would get all red faced and angry. But me and Sidney stayed close. Sure do miss Chuck Keating, though.

Good times.

Just wanted to share them.