Young Guns III: The Housing Crisis
Mortgage lenders foreclosing on people’s homes ain’t nothing new. But back when I was a kid named Billy and John Sidney McCain was a young buck that we called El Sid, folks didn’t count on the government to protect them against their banks.
No, we did it ourselves in the Wild West. After the Lincoln County Wars in the New Mexico territory I fled west to Scottsdale County, riding alongside Kiefer Sutherland, Lew Diamond Phillips (a Mexican from India) and Christian Slater. We rode for days through the dusty desert with nothing but the strains of John bon Jovi to entertain us.
We finally arrived in Scottsdale County and were taken on as hands at the El Sid Ranch. El Sid was, of course, my best pal John Sidney McCain. We go way back. El Sid raised barley, hops and wheat on his ranch and he had designs on bottling and distributing the most popular beer in the country.
But El Sid didn’t have any money. He was in debt up to his hops. He had to pay us in empty beer bottles that we took to the supermarket to get the five cent deposit. Of course, a nickel could get you a whore and shot of whiskey back in those days. That was even a saying we used to have. Lew Diamond Phillips (LDP) would say, “Hey Billy, El Sid says he’s gonna pay us in cash this week,” and I’d say, “That and five cents will get you a whore and a shot of whiskey, Lew.” Good times.
Well one day Kiefer Sutherland says to El Sid, “It doesn’t look like this here venture is gonna work out, John.” Then Christian Slater says, “Too bad there’s no way for the government to help you out. I mean, you’re a guy with good intentions and a dream, you just borrowed on unfavorable terms.”
But El Sid says it ain’t the government’s place to help unless he could prove that he was in good enough financial shape to get the loan in the first place.
I said, “El Sid, ain’t that the lender’s responsibility? How do you know the lender is worthy to even collect your debt?”
John thought about it for awhile. Then LDP said he was gonna head out for a six pack of Coors Light. The rage grew in El Sid’s face at the mention of his most hated beer rival. LDP tried to apologize but El Sid leveled him with a rock hard punch to his stout Indian jaw.
“Don’t say stout,” El Sid warned me. I musta been thinking out loud. Then he turned back to the topic at hand: “I’ll learn them bankers ta’ prove their worth,” he snarled.
That’s when the Scottsdale County Regulators were born. El Sid gave us guns and enough booze that our tempers would snap at the slightest provocation. Whenever a bank would send a collections agent over we’d shoot them, take their money, stuff them in a deposit envelope and send them back to the bank. Soon enough, the banks stopped calling. A few months later, the credit card offers started again and everything was all right.
I know because I was there and I’m Billy the Kid.
Vote McCain!
Friday, April 11, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
John McCain and MLK
My best pal John Sidney McCain recently had to apologize for not supporting a national Martin Luther King Day holiday back in the 1980s.
Folks, that was 25 years ago when John was a young old man.
Besides, he has nothing to apologize for. John never had anything against Martin Luther King Jr. It's holidays he hates. There's enough truants out there every day anyway, I say. Why give the kids another day off school?
When the kids are out of school they just spend all day loafing at the mall, wearing their baggy pants around their knees, playing loud BOOM BOOM music from their slow moving cars and messing up the lawn!
The lawn issue is really important right now because MLK day falls smack in the middle of seeding season. If you want a nice lawn in summer you have to be seeding now. Having the kids out of school at this crucial time just wrecks everything.
Besides, didn't we just have President's Day?
In my day we didn't have holidays. You worked every day but Sunday and you spent Sunday in Church, begging God to let you live another day so you can work another week.
The "L" in Martin Luther King Jr. doesn't stand for loafing. It stands for Luther. John Sidney McCain knew that then and he knows that now.
Folks, that was 25 years ago when John was a young old man.
Besides, he has nothing to apologize for. John never had anything against Martin Luther King Jr. It's holidays he hates. There's enough truants out there every day anyway, I say. Why give the kids another day off school?
When the kids are out of school they just spend all day loafing at the mall, wearing their baggy pants around their knees, playing loud BOOM BOOM music from their slow moving cars and messing up the lawn!
The lawn issue is really important right now because MLK day falls smack in the middle of seeding season. If you want a nice lawn in summer you have to be seeding now. Having the kids out of school at this crucial time just wrecks everything.
Besides, didn't we just have President's Day?
In my day we didn't have holidays. You worked every day but Sunday and you spent Sunday in Church, begging God to let you live another day so you can work another week.
The "L" in Martin Luther King Jr. doesn't stand for loafing. It stands for Luther. John Sidney McCain knew that then and he knows that now.
Three Cheers for The Surge!
The Surge, the temporary increase in our forces operating in Iraq that was supported by my chum John McCain is working! How do you know? Well, for one thing, we haven’t brought any of those troops back yet. If The Surge wasn’t working we obviously would have tried the opposite of The Surge by now. We’d have tried an Unsurge by sending all of our troops into Iran, taking the Iranians completely by surprise and leaving the Iraqis totally baffled. The fact that we have troops in Iraq is proof that we want troops in Iraq, it’s as common sense as yellow ribbons and flag lapel pins.
Score One for The Surge!
Now my further evidence is what’s happening in Basra. The local Iraqi military, led personally into battle by John’s good friend (and thus the vicarious vicar of my heart) Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki found it so easy to beat up on Moqtada al-Sadr’s militia that 1,000 of Maliki’s troops (including two top commanders) just walked off the battlefield. You do not walk off the battlefield when you’re losing. You get carried off.
Score Two for The Surge!
Finally, the collapse of Bear Stearns and the housing bubble is evidence that The Surge is working. People don’t want to work at investment banks and buy homes any more. They want to sign up for The Surge! You keep hearing about people walking away from their homes. But you never hear where they’re Surging too!
Score Three for The Surge!
That’s game, set and match for my best friend, John Surge-y McCain.
Score One for The Surge!
Now my further evidence is what’s happening in Basra. The local Iraqi military, led personally into battle by John’s good friend (and thus the vicarious vicar of my heart) Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki found it so easy to beat up on Moqtada al-Sadr’s militia that 1,000 of Maliki’s troops (including two top commanders) just walked off the battlefield. You do not walk off the battlefield when you’re losing. You get carried off.
Score Two for The Surge!
Finally, the collapse of Bear Stearns and the housing bubble is evidence that The Surge is working. People don’t want to work at investment banks and buy homes any more. They want to sign up for The Surge! You keep hearing about people walking away from their homes. But you never hear where they’re Surging too!
Score Three for The Surge!
That’s game, set and match for my best friend, John Surge-y McCain.
It's 3 Am -- It's John McCain!
It’s 3 am and the phone is ringing.
You pick it up.
Somebody yells: “Turn down that music, people are trying to sleep!”
You just got a call from my best friend, John Sidney McCain. Like all people our age, John falls asleep at around 8:30 and then wakes up around 2 in the morning and is up the rest of the night with just a glass of warm milk and the telephone for company.
Here’s the difference between Democrats, Republicans and John McCain. Democrats think that the President answers the phone, Republicans think they pay servants to answer the phone and John McCain is on the phone already and he is very angry at you!
Imagine the Ayatollah of Iran awakened in the middle of the night by a ringing phone. He knows he shouldn’t answer because he knows it’s McCain calling. Still, he picks it up, and all he hears is some heavy breathing, a chorus from the Beach Boys and then boom. It’s over. Dead before he can put the receiver back on the cradle.
My best friend John Sidney McCain is up all night, making scary phone calls. The rest of the world can just lie awake, fearing the ominous ring. No, no, don’t call the police. They’ll only tell you what you already know. The call is coming from inside your house.
You pick it up.
Somebody yells: “Turn down that music, people are trying to sleep!”
You just got a call from my best friend, John Sidney McCain. Like all people our age, John falls asleep at around 8:30 and then wakes up around 2 in the morning and is up the rest of the night with just a glass of warm milk and the telephone for company.
Here’s the difference between Democrats, Republicans and John McCain. Democrats think that the President answers the phone, Republicans think they pay servants to answer the phone and John McCain is on the phone already and he is very angry at you!
Imagine the Ayatollah of Iran awakened in the middle of the night by a ringing phone. He knows he shouldn’t answer because he knows it’s McCain calling. Still, he picks it up, and all he hears is some heavy breathing, a chorus from the Beach Boys and then boom. It’s over. Dead before he can put the receiver back on the cradle.
My best friend John Sidney McCain is up all night, making scary phone calls. The rest of the world can just lie awake, fearing the ominous ring. No, no, don’t call the police. They’ll only tell you what you already know. The call is coming from inside your house.
John McCain Is The Real Rocky!
So Hillary is like Rocky, huh?
No she is not and neither is Barack Obama. There is only one Rocky in this race. My best friend, John Sidney McCain.
Listen up whippersnappers. John McCain is like Rocky because he will bust you in the mouth. Sometimes for no reason. Why just last week when we were at the rec center he cold cocked Avery Livingston just because Avery suggested getting Vietnamese food delivered. John really hates Vietnamese food and he made me promise not to tell you what he calls it so I won’t.
John’s temper is so scary that Bob Dole won’t even come over for a visit. Bob will only see John in what he calls “safe public locations.”
You know what? John McCain isn’t like Rocky. He is way tougher than that. Did you see Rocky IV? Let me tell you a story. Way back in 1985, me and John went to see Rocky IV. We went to a matinee showing and got our senior citizens discounts so it was quite a deal. Also, John is married to Budweiser distributor, so we snuck beer into the theater and we got a little blotto.
John loves boxing movies because Budwesier loves boxing, so this was a big deal for him. But then Ivan Drago has to go and kill Apollo Creed and John gets really irate because he says it makes boxing look barbaric. Especially when Drago says “If he dies, he dies,” like it’s nothing! So John’s like throwing popcorn at the screen and ranting and I’m trying to calm him down and then John gets up and announces to the whole theater “This movie is bull crap! If that Russkie had killed my best friend I’d have shot him in the head way before he got on a plane back to the Soviet Puke-yun!”
But here’s another thing, if John McCain were Rocky he never would have been best friends with Apollo Creed. See, John McCain Rocky would have accidentally killed Apollo in the ring at the end of the very first movie. End of story.
Look, you people have to stop talking about who is and isn’t Rocky and get on with the business of making John McCain president. I am seriously very frightened about what he will do to me if he loses this election. I don’t know if I’ve made my point but the guy has a temper.
No she is not and neither is Barack Obama. There is only one Rocky in this race. My best friend, John Sidney McCain.
Listen up whippersnappers. John McCain is like Rocky because he will bust you in the mouth. Sometimes for no reason. Why just last week when we were at the rec center he cold cocked Avery Livingston just because Avery suggested getting Vietnamese food delivered. John really hates Vietnamese food and he made me promise not to tell you what he calls it so I won’t.
John’s temper is so scary that Bob Dole won’t even come over for a visit. Bob will only see John in what he calls “safe public locations.”
You know what? John McCain isn’t like Rocky. He is way tougher than that. Did you see Rocky IV? Let me tell you a story. Way back in 1985, me and John went to see Rocky IV. We went to a matinee showing and got our senior citizens discounts so it was quite a deal. Also, John is married to Budweiser distributor, so we snuck beer into the theater and we got a little blotto.
John loves boxing movies because Budwesier loves boxing, so this was a big deal for him. But then Ivan Drago has to go and kill Apollo Creed and John gets really irate because he says it makes boxing look barbaric. Especially when Drago says “If he dies, he dies,” like it’s nothing! So John’s like throwing popcorn at the screen and ranting and I’m trying to calm him down and then John gets up and announces to the whole theater “This movie is bull crap! If that Russkie had killed my best friend I’d have shot him in the head way before he got on a plane back to the Soviet Puke-yun!”
But here’s another thing, if John McCain were Rocky he never would have been best friends with Apollo Creed. See, John McCain Rocky would have accidentally killed Apollo in the ring at the end of the very first movie. End of story.
Look, you people have to stop talking about who is and isn’t Rocky and get on with the business of making John McCain president. I am seriously very frightened about what he will do to me if he loses this election. I don’t know if I’ve made my point but the guy has a temper.
You Must Vote for John McCain
Well, I didn’t expect to be back, but I’m back. Who knew Internetting could be so much fun? I only got the darned thing hooked up so that I could find cheap herbal Cialis but now that I know I can come here and help you get to know John Sidney McCain the way I do, well… that’s just dandy.
I know a lot of you are Democrats around here. But let me let you in on a secret about John McCain. It’s okay with him if you vote for him, even if you are all members of the wrong party. I’m A Republican, so I have to vote for John. But you can too!
Maybe some of you are wondering, “Why should I vote against my own party?” Picking the wrong party but that doesn’t mean you have to pick the wrong president. Besides, you should be very angry at everyone else in your party right now. Let’s say you liked Chris Dodd because you think you need to keep your Internet perversions safe from government snooping even at the cost of thousands of American lives that will be lost every time a 9/11 happens, which will be all the time? Chris Dodd only lost because your fellow party members slapped you in the face by not voting for him. So you should show all of them by voting for John McCain.
Maybe you think John doesn’t want to win like that. But he does! He forgives you and he’ll accept your vote. So you should just feel free to take out your anger on all the idiots in your party who aren’t supporting your candidate right now. Give ‘em Hell by givin’ ‘em McCain! They will always do what you say after that.
I bet you’re wondering: “Does John McCain believe what I believe?” The answer is yes. John McCain can believe absolutely anything at any time. His mind is just that vast. In 1999 he said he was pro-life. But, he said he didn’t support the repeal of Roe v. Wade. But then 7 years later, he said he wanted a constitutional amendment banning abortion, which would make Roe v. Wade moot. Here’s the good news about that: if you’re pro-life, you can vote for him. But if you’re pro-fetus-murder you can just assume that he didn’t really mean what he said 2 years ago and vote for what he said 7 years ago. John McCain holds all of those opinions! And they say he’s senile. Let me tell you, a senile person doesn’t know what they think half the time. John thinks everything all of the time. That’s the opposite of senile.
John didn’t used to like ethanol subsidies, tax cuts for the rich, and Bob Jones University. But now he likes all of those things because he thinks you do! If you don’t like McCain’s opinion just give it a few years. If he needs to hold your opinion to get elected to something you can bet my best friend will have the courage to hold that opinion.
Now that I think about it, maybe you’re the problem here. I think you all need to clearly tell John McCain what you want him to believe. If you can articulate what you want from him in order to get your vote then he will become that in order to become president. Once there, he’ll be able to do whatever he wants for a change. But for now, your desires are important! Don’t miss this amazing opportunity!
So as I see it, you’re going to have two choices in the general election. Option 1: Vote for my pal John because you’re mad at the other people in your party. Option 2: Vote for my pal John because he will do anything to get your vote. He just wants it that bad.
Either way, you’ve made a smart choice.
I know a lot of you are Democrats around here. But let me let you in on a secret about John McCain. It’s okay with him if you vote for him, even if you are all members of the wrong party. I’m A Republican, so I have to vote for John. But you can too!
Maybe some of you are wondering, “Why should I vote against my own party?” Picking the wrong party but that doesn’t mean you have to pick the wrong president. Besides, you should be very angry at everyone else in your party right now. Let’s say you liked Chris Dodd because you think you need to keep your Internet perversions safe from government snooping even at the cost of thousands of American lives that will be lost every time a 9/11 happens, which will be all the time? Chris Dodd only lost because your fellow party members slapped you in the face by not voting for him. So you should show all of them by voting for John McCain.
Maybe you think John doesn’t want to win like that. But he does! He forgives you and he’ll accept your vote. So you should just feel free to take out your anger on all the idiots in your party who aren’t supporting your candidate right now. Give ‘em Hell by givin’ ‘em McCain! They will always do what you say after that.
I bet you’re wondering: “Does John McCain believe what I believe?” The answer is yes. John McCain can believe absolutely anything at any time. His mind is just that vast. In 1999 he said he was pro-life. But, he said he didn’t support the repeal of Roe v. Wade. But then 7 years later, he said he wanted a constitutional amendment banning abortion, which would make Roe v. Wade moot. Here’s the good news about that: if you’re pro-life, you can vote for him. But if you’re pro-fetus-murder you can just assume that he didn’t really mean what he said 2 years ago and vote for what he said 7 years ago. John McCain holds all of those opinions! And they say he’s senile. Let me tell you, a senile person doesn’t know what they think half the time. John thinks everything all of the time. That’s the opposite of senile.
John didn’t used to like ethanol subsidies, tax cuts for the rich, and Bob Jones University. But now he likes all of those things because he thinks you do! If you don’t like McCain’s opinion just give it a few years. If he needs to hold your opinion to get elected to something you can bet my best friend will have the courage to hold that opinion.
Now that I think about it, maybe you’re the problem here. I think you all need to clearly tell John McCain what you want him to believe. If you can articulate what you want from him in order to get your vote then he will become that in order to become president. Once there, he’ll be able to do whatever he wants for a change. But for now, your desires are important! Don’t miss this amazing opportunity!
So as I see it, you’re going to have two choices in the general election. Option 1: Vote for my pal John because you’re mad at the other people in your party. Option 2: Vote for my pal John because he will do anything to get your vote. He just wants it that bad.
Either way, you’ve made a smart choice.
I am John McCain's Best Friend
I’ve been John McCain’s best friend and neighbor for—well, it’s been a long time. Now I’ve heard through the grapevine (that they charge me $34 a month for, damn Mountain Bell, I’m on a fixed income!) that people here on this board don’t think highly of John McCain.
How can you not like John McCain? Who are you gonna have for president, a woman? What? Hold the phone a second. I’ll be right back.
Okay, somebody just told me who you’re gonna have for president if it’s not a woman. I don’t even want to go there.
Instead, I’m just going to tell you a story about John Sidney McCain helping a friend in need. Don’t laugh. Men used to be named Sidney back in the day. Now, where was I? Oh yes, it was 1987 and I had just had a big fight with the wife over whether she should wear shoulder pads (I thought they made her look mannish, only men should wear shoulder pads, like in the NFL). She kicked me out on my keister. John McCain saw me weeping on the porch. He came and put his arm around me and said “It’s okay old buddy, I’ll show you a good time.” Then he went into his house and called his pal Charles Keating.
Charles Keating owned a bank called the Lincoln Financial Savings and Loan. Chuck loved to party. So me and Chuck and Sidney all got on Keating’s plane and flew to Las Vegas, Nevada. We were having a great time except they kept giving me all this free whiskey because I’d been in the war. Everybody there must have been in the war. Anyway, I wound up down $10,000 at a roulette table before I knew it. And they weren’t going to give the money back, neither. Even though I was in the war.
So now I’m in worse shape than I was. But Sidney says to Chuck that he should help me out and Mr. Keating says he’ll loan me the 10 grand and I never have to repay it! I say, “Mr. Keating, how can your bank stay in business making loans that never get repaid?” Chuck just smiles and says, “Because the loans are guaranteed by the government!” And He and Sidney just laughed. I tell you, it was like the end of It’s a Wonderful Life except that I threw up on a hooker.
We all got back on Chuck’s plane and went back to Arizona. Chuck made me another loan so I could by the something nice for the missus. And that was that. We didn’t see much more of Chuck actually. Whenever I’d bring him up, Sidney would get all red faced and angry. But me and Sidney stayed close. Sure do miss Chuck Keating, though.
Good times.
Just wanted to share them.
How can you not like John McCain? Who are you gonna have for president, a woman? What? Hold the phone a second. I’ll be right back.
Okay, somebody just told me who you’re gonna have for president if it’s not a woman. I don’t even want to go there.
Instead, I’m just going to tell you a story about John Sidney McCain helping a friend in need. Don’t laugh. Men used to be named Sidney back in the day. Now, where was I? Oh yes, it was 1987 and I had just had a big fight with the wife over whether she should wear shoulder pads (I thought they made her look mannish, only men should wear shoulder pads, like in the NFL). She kicked me out on my keister. John McCain saw me weeping on the porch. He came and put his arm around me and said “It’s okay old buddy, I’ll show you a good time.” Then he went into his house and called his pal Charles Keating.
Charles Keating owned a bank called the Lincoln Financial Savings and Loan. Chuck loved to party. So me and Chuck and Sidney all got on Keating’s plane and flew to Las Vegas, Nevada. We were having a great time except they kept giving me all this free whiskey because I’d been in the war. Everybody there must have been in the war. Anyway, I wound up down $10,000 at a roulette table before I knew it. And they weren’t going to give the money back, neither. Even though I was in the war.
So now I’m in worse shape than I was. But Sidney says to Chuck that he should help me out and Mr. Keating says he’ll loan me the 10 grand and I never have to repay it! I say, “Mr. Keating, how can your bank stay in business making loans that never get repaid?” Chuck just smiles and says, “Because the loans are guaranteed by the government!” And He and Sidney just laughed. I tell you, it was like the end of It’s a Wonderful Life except that I threw up on a hooker.
We all got back on Chuck’s plane and went back to Arizona. Chuck made me another loan so I could by the something nice for the missus. And that was that. We didn’t see much more of Chuck actually. Whenever I’d bring him up, Sidney would get all red faced and angry. But me and Sidney stayed close. Sure do miss Chuck Keating, though.
Good times.
Just wanted to share them.
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